Ostracism

An optimal score suggests that you are very socially connected and able to fit in with a group. You are likely to seek out opportunities to meet new people and experience no significant distress in doing so. You may want to explore this module in order to maintain good functioning.

A satisfactory score suggests that you are fairly socially connected and able to fit in. You may experience some mild distress in group situations or when meeting new people but are mostly able to overcome this. You are not necessarily excelling in your social life but are functioning well enough. You may want to explore this module to work on those aspects where you are struggling.

A moderate concern score suggests that you have some social connections but tend to experience distress in group situations or when meeting new people. You may experience feelings of exclusion and/or being ignored by others. We recommend exploring this module in order to work on those aspects where you are struggling.

An at risk score suggests that you have very few social connections and that you experience frequent and significant distress in group situations and when meeting new people. You constantly feel as if you are being excluded and that you don't fit in. We recommend exploring this module in order to work on those aspects where you are struggling and to seek help from your GP/listed helplines if needed.

It is perfectly normal to be upset when you feel excluded. Regardless of whether or not the exclusion was intentional, you might feel a mix of emotions including sadness, hurt, anger and annoyance. It is good to acknowledge these feelings in order to fully understand and process them.

Tip: take some time to 'listen' in and feel your emotions. Maybe you can label what you feel? Now tell yourself that it is okay for you to feel this way.

It is important to realize that social exclusion can be unintentional. Feeling excluded and actually being intentionally excluded are two different things and sometimes others genuinely do not realize that their actions have made you feel left out. It is always helpful to communicate your feelings to others and clarify what led to the specific situation.

Tip: if faced with exclusion, you could try and tell the person how it made you feel. Next, ask for the reasons why they behaved the way they did. Often you will find that there are simple explanations for other people's behaviors.

It is common to immediately assume the worst-case scenario when feeling socially excluded. You may catastrophize and come up with thoughts such as: 'my friends no longer care about me'; 'I am not likable'; 'no one wants to hang out with me'. This thought-pattern can prevent you from thinking about more reasonable explanations for why others might have treated you a certain way. Instead of jumping to such conclusions straight-away, take some time to consider the evidence you have to assume such things.

Tip: write down the catastrophizing thoughts you might experience after being excluded from something. Next to them try and write down any actual evidence you have to support these thoughts. Example: 'I am not likeable'. You will most likely find that there is very little evidence that no one likes you. Example: 'Actually, I am funny. My friend recently told me that I am a good listener'.

It is always good to explore whether your actions might play a role in why your social life does not go as planned. If you want others to include you in activities, ask yourself whether you clearly convey your desire to join. You can communicate this verbally but remember your facial expressions, body language and behaviors also play an important role.

Tip: first, it can be helpful to learn more about your non-verbal communication skills and practice them. Sometimes it is also worth just asking people why they did not invite you. Alternatively, the next time you hear about a lunch at work, or an event you want to go to, try asking whether you can join. Whilst this might seem scary at first, it often helps to resolve these situations quickly.

It is also possible that your existing relationships just don't provide the support and connectedness you need. People change over time and so do their interests, views and values. You might find that you have less in common with someone than you used to or that one or both of you simply lack the time to invest into your friendship. Whilst this can be difficult to accept, consider forming new friendships.

Tip: think about whether your relationship makes you a) feel good about yourself, b) feel supported, and c) feel safe. If you reply with no to all of these, it might be worth talking to someone else about this particular relationship.